people always gets me..

me<----in depression mood again.

Huwaaaaaaa~~!! Sometimes I feel like nobody really understand me! Right now, all I want to do run as far as I can and not comeback here again. or maybe L'll still come back just to shove it in their face that I CAN do it!

I just feel so useless and stupid right now, and not to mention un employed. I tought, at least out of all the poeple, my mom would understand me. Guess I'm so wrong. Recent conversation I had with her:


Mom: I wish you would do something else with your time other than being in front of the computer all the time?
Me: What do you want me to do?
Mom: I dunno. Anything besides the computer.
Me: WHAT??

When you're home, away from friends, wha do you expect me to do? and hey, Idid try to find a job. Its just that, there aren't any at the moment. and I even told my parents I don't mind working in a bookstore/cafe, the problem is, they won't send me to the su[ermarket to work coz its too far. So what do you expect me to do at home? Watch TV? The TV even has a freaking schedule. Morning is for mom, afternoon and evening its Aizat's catoon and at night the TV is for dad. So when is my turn to watch?


Despite being the eldest in the family, I feel so uselss. Out of all my brother and sister, like I'm the stupidest. I fail as a big sister whos suppose to be a role model to the younger ones. Faris got MARA scholarship just 1 month after SPM and before the results is even out! Sis Yana got JPA scholarship to study overseas too and Iylia, she even got the Best Student of The School Award!
and me? I'm not really asking for scholarships, just LOAN! I even fail at asking for loan. And my dad had to pay for my education during Uitm coz I can't even get the loan right!

Its like, why did I work hard for all these years? Nothing has ever workout for me. I got 8A in PMR..for what? I coudn't even get into boarding schoold without other peoples help. I got 9As in SPM..for what? I'm not doing what I like or what I want. I'm a huge failure in my family and a simply useless one too. I coudn't even find a job. Nobody evenw ants me!

And people are looking down at me just coz I like anything about Japan. Its like, I finally find something I like/enjoy and people are looking at me. All they're really saying is 'Get a grib, Hani.', 'Eartch to Hani' or 'Be more realistic'. Sis Yana can like japanesse songs, coz she's studying Japanesse, or Yana can watch Japanesse shows coz she's leaving for Japan next year, Yana can like everything about Japan coz she has to. and...I can't coz its chilldish. coz its unrealistic.

and when I say I wanna learn Japanesse, I'm childish. Well maybe I am, but hey, you don't have to say it to the world. You don't have to annaunce it to everybody that I'm childish so. and now, everybody is judging me. EVERYBODY says that I'm useless and I have childish dream, for a smart girl. HEY, I'M NOT EVEN SMART, I'M STUPID REMEMBER?!!

I think I've had enough of this. I think this happends coz I've stayed too long at home. At first it was okay, but as it gets longer, I feel bored and useless and unappriciated bu anybody. Its like I can't do anything in the house. coz Ireally don't know what to do anymore. I need to get out fast! I want to go to Aussie so badly, to just run away from everybody. To be myself again. To feel like I'm doing something, taht I'm not being useless anymore!

But actually, I wish I could run away. I wish to never come back. I don't want to comeback. So people could finally let me go. So people won't judge me anymore or won't look at down at me, coz I'm not even there to look at! HAH!

My goal right now, is to go to Aussie, study as hard as Ican and learn Japanesse as hard as I can while I'm there. Go work in Japan after graduating. Hopefully settle down or if I never get marroed, thats fine too. And just stay there and never comeback to Malaysia ever again.
.....or....I could just stay tehre is Aussie for the rest of my life.
.....or...stay away for acouple or years untils peoples mouth finally shuts up or stop talking about me. Then only I'll show myself.

But right now, I'm still a childish, stupid, useless and unemployed girl.

and its...a day before my birthday.... :(